this is the price of honesty, i’m not sorry

It’s been almost 3 years since you died.

And I’m still angry.

I’m angry at the circumstances that pushed you to it and that pushed me away from you that pushed me into chaos after I had just started getting my life back in order.

I’m angry that he lived and you didn’t.

I’m angry that he gets to go on like nothing happened and like there was something wrong with you for dying like your death meant less because of how it happened when he should be angry at himself because he saw it coming and ignored it.

I’m angry that he keeps trying to be friends but only in a totally lazy way like we should hang out and I say ok let’s and then he stops responding again for a year.

I’m angry that he’s alive and you’re not as if somehow the two had anything to do with each other.

And I’m angry that you’re not here anymore and I know why you had to go and I know you’ll come back to the world one day but I don’t know if I’ll find you again

but meanwhile

he perches, smug

like a fat bluejay

on the wreckage of your life

and I want to throw rocks.

Hacking the Brain

Following on from my last post, I’ve mostly recovered from the caffeine withdrawal, and started on something new.

As it turns out, sometimes when you get a CMP done, it includes genetic testing for common polymorphisms.

The one I’ve got is called MTHFR A1298C C/C. Or as some call it, the Motherfucker mutation. There are two forms. The other one – C667T – causes high homocysteine and over time, cardiac problems. Not the one you want to have. Well, truthfully, you don’t want either one,because A1298C contributes to poor neurotransmitter function and psychiatric woes.

I’ve always been a sleepy sort of person. Put me in a car or on a train, half an hour later, it’s lights out.

Even if I’ve slept on the way down, I’ll sleep on the way back. Sitting for too long makes me just fade. I can tell when I’m fully awake and alert because it doesn’t happen very often. I’m usually just that little bit foggy. Certain times of day I’m just a zombie.I’ve had to take naps in my car to get through a workday.

So I’m thinking that maybe all that sleep was self-medication for my depression. The neurotransmitter serotonin is mostly made during sleep, after all. Stay asleep, get more of it. Right?

Today I started a new treatment that is supposed to make a big difference.

Because A1298C C/C causes poor methylation, I can take all the folic acid I want and just end up with really expensive piss. Dietary folic acid has to go through several chemical breakdown steps to get to the useable form, L-Methylfolate. The methylation part is where my system breaks down, so I’m now taking a straight L-Methylfolate supplement in a fairly high dose(at least compared to OTC versions) as well as methylated B12.

Today I only had one brief spell of drowsiness, about 10 minutes. A brisk 10 minute walk later, and it was gone. I didn’t crash after lunch, either. It’s after 8 pm and I’m still fairly clear. I mean, I’ve trained myself to go to bed between 9:30 and 10:30, so tired at this hour would be normal.

I’m wondering if it’s also working on my norepinephrine. If it’ll help my dopamine levels. If I’ll finally be able to build up endurance in exercise so one day’s workout doesn’t mean two days of feeling pounded like a schnitzel.

Here’s hoping…